Death, dying, living, learning, and growing

A year ago today a very dear friend of mine committed suicide. It is hard to even say, write, or think those words. I think the hardest thing I have ever done is attend her funeral. She was an amazing person. She had a beautiful testimony of how God taught her about Grace. She had a neat ministry sharing her comedic talent. She also quietly touched the lives of several people who knew her story and would reach out to her because they had walked a similar path of pain. She was a friend like no other. You know one of those 'girlfriends' you talk about all your secrets/questions/fears with (even the ones you wouldn't admit to another soul), laugh about nothing, and feel comforted just by each others presence. She was many things over the years: my friend, vacation pal, confidant, neighbor, roommate, teacher, painter, decorator, comedic relief, shopping pal, and make over magician. She experienced some difficult life circumstances with which she struggled. In the end she could not get beyond the pain. On this anniversary of her death I want to acknowledge the beauty of her life and the joy she brought to the lives of everyone around her.

I also want to address misconceptions of suicide. One thing I hear often is 'suicide is an act of selfishness'. Let us all be very clear. Suicide is an act of desperation from a person who has struggled with depression and no longer feels capable of continuing the struggle in that moment. Offering them a guilt trip is not the solution. Second 'if you commit suicide you will go to hell'. The God I know is a God of grace, mercy, and love. I believe he looks down on those who suffer with depression with compassion and desires to offer comfort and love. I know He brought people into my friends life to show her about grace. The struggle is often within us to offer ourselves as much grace, love, and mercy as God desires to shower on us. We struggle to accept what He has freely given.

Her death was the beginning of a year of struggle for me. That same month I lost 3 other friends due to heart attack, accident, and cancer. Later last year I also lost my grandmother. It was a tough year. I don't really understand a lot of things that happened this past year or why. There are some things I know:

1. There is a God.
2. He knows me by name.
3. He knew me before I was born (Jer 1:5) and created me for a plan and a purpose (Eph 2:10).
4. He has promised me there is a future and a hope (Jer 29:11).
5. He has promised that He will work all things for good in my life if I give them to him (Rom 8:28).

I may not understand the whys but I understand the who and I will trust in his promises. Life gets really hard sometimes but if we can keep on keeping on, there is a future sometimes beyond pain, sometimes living with it, and sometimes there is joy, comfort, and strength in the midst of it. I am so thankful for friends who have loved me, supported me, and believed in me this past year. Most of all I am thankful there is a God and I can trust in Him to work all things together for my good and for His glory, honor, and purpose in my life.