Death, dying, living, learning, and growing

A year ago today a very dear friend of mine committed suicide. It is hard to even say, write, or think those words. I think the hardest thing I have ever done is attend her funeral. She was an amazing person. She had a beautiful testimony of how God taught her about Grace. She had a neat ministry sharing her comedic talent. She also quietly touched the lives of several people who knew her story and would reach out to her because they had walked a similar path of pain. She was a friend like no other. You know one of those 'girlfriends' you talk about all your secrets/questions/fears with (even the ones you wouldn't admit to another soul), laugh about nothing, and feel comforted just by each others presence. She was many things over the years: my friend, vacation pal, confidant, neighbor, roommate, teacher, painter, decorator, comedic relief, shopping pal, and make over magician. She experienced some difficult life circumstances with which she struggled. In the end she could not get beyond the pain. On this anniversary of her death I want to acknowledge the beauty of her life and the joy she brought to the lives of everyone around her.

I also want to address misconceptions of suicide. One thing I hear often is 'suicide is an act of selfishness'. Let us all be very clear. Suicide is an act of desperation from a person who has struggled with depression and no longer feels capable of continuing the struggle in that moment. Offering them a guilt trip is not the solution. Second 'if you commit suicide you will go to hell'. The God I know is a God of grace, mercy, and love. I believe he looks down on those who suffer with depression with compassion and desires to offer comfort and love. I know He brought people into my friends life to show her about grace. The struggle is often within us to offer ourselves as much grace, love, and mercy as God desires to shower on us. We struggle to accept what He has freely given.

Her death was the beginning of a year of struggle for me. That same month I lost 3 other friends due to heart attack, accident, and cancer. Later last year I also lost my grandmother. It was a tough year. I don't really understand a lot of things that happened this past year or why. There are some things I know:

1. There is a God.
2. He knows me by name.
3. He knew me before I was born (Jer 1:5) and created me for a plan and a purpose (Eph 2:10).
4. He has promised me there is a future and a hope (Jer 29:11).
5. He has promised that He will work all things for good in my life if I give them to him (Rom 8:28).

I may not understand the whys but I understand the who and I will trust in his promises. Life gets really hard sometimes but if we can keep on keeping on, there is a future sometimes beyond pain, sometimes living with it, and sometimes there is joy, comfort, and strength in the midst of it. I am so thankful for friends who have loved me, supported me, and believed in me this past year. Most of all I am thankful there is a God and I can trust in Him to work all things together for my good and for His glory, honor, and purpose in my life.

A Daddy's love

       As I reflect on this past year and the anniversary of a great loss, I am reminded of a couple I met a few years ago. I got a call late one night about a couple traveling through Alabama. They lived in Florida but had traveled to another state to pick up a family member and take them for treatment at a hospital up north. They had loved and supported this family member for 3 weeks then dropped them back home and were headed home themselves. When they reached Alabama, the husband began to feel sick and died suddenly. The wife was here miles away from family and church, alone in a small country hospital. I went to meet with her to be with her during this time of shock and grief. We talked about her relationship with her husband, arrangements that needed to be made, and her fears. She was in shock. In the midst of it all there was one thing she knew, one thing she could hold on to. Her daddy was coming. She knew when he got there he would take care of things. 'He will make decisions'. 'He is good at that'. She told me. What faith. What a foundation of a love relationship to stand on that her 'daddy' had given her.

       What a beautiful lesson for us on dealing with life. We have a daddy who loves us and He wants us to lean on Him to comfort us, give us wisdom, and guide us in life. Some of my favorite scriptures below show the heart of the Father. He delights and rejoices over us, calls us into relationship with Him, and longs to be gracious to us. Today I am reminded to trust in, rest in, and get in tune with the heart of our Father and to be still, expect, look and long for Him so He can poor out His presence on us.

Isaiah 30:18

¹⁸ And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]!

Zephaniah 3:17
He will take great delight in you;
but will rejoice over you with singing.”

1 Cor 1:9 God calls us into fellowship.

My prayer for you is that today you may see the heart of the Father, understand His great love for you, and how much He longs for fellowship with each of us.